Hi, I’m Mimi. I’m 35 and I’m dissatisfied with my life. And this is my journey not for self-discovery but to become who I’m supposed to be. You see at one point in my life I got off the pathway, and ended up so far away from the point I should be.
In this blog I’m going to take you through my journey, and I’m going to be honest with you. Honest about my successes, goals, and my failures. But, you’re going to have the benefit of watching a phoenix reborn from her ashes.
I’ve always been fat, at least since puberty. But, the point I ventured into severe obesity was after I contracted a rare blood disease called TTP. I was 18, and the scars emotional, psychological, and physical were, and are, far reaching. My body lived despite the 4 times I almost died, but inwardly I was broken. Two months in a hospital with tubes, tests, and blood broke something inside me. I’ve had lots of people over the years say, ‘That was a long time ago. Aren’t you over it?’ The answer is no, but I am better. One of the results however was a detachment from my body. And, if I’m honest. Like I promised I was going to be, part of me never really came back. I blamed my body for letting me down, and betraying me. I took that hate and turned it against myself. Steroids helped, but behind it was an attitude of simply surviving without being alive. I was the dead walking.
There were other factors that helped me get here. I never saw myself as really fat. I mean, I knew what I looked like in the mirror, but in my head I wasn’t fat. And, so that’s how I thought of myself.
I’ve tried diets, and all of them have failed. And, I’ve had friends or doctors who didn’t get what TTP did to me. They were always sorry, but they almost always said, ‘at least you’re alive’. Yeah, at least. And, that’s all I was. I had hobbies, and things I liked. I don’t want you to think I was just this sad slug in a dark corner someplace eating myself to death with buckets of ice cream. I wasn’t. But, I was the cold hearted general in a war on myself, and it wasn’t like that stereotypical idea that you may have just imagined. I didn’t even know what I was doing to myself. And, the doctors always made me mad. Always trying to make everything all about my weight. I don’t have a cold because I’m fat. I’m not in the hospital because I’m fat, I have pneumonia. TTP did that too. It made me hate doctors, and distrust them. They’re the evil boogie man harboring the vehicles of my torment. I still can’t go into a hospital without having a full blown psychotic break down. One of my internal scars.
Anyway, onward we go. So, because of TTP I’ve always felt that bariatric surgery was just something I could not do. Not just because of the hospitals and the doctors. But, because I have physical complications the treatment and the disease caused. I get sick very easy, and I stay sick longer than normal people. I don’t handle pain well, like at all. I have pulmonary issues that make surgery difficult. And, if I get a bacterial infection I will die. And, because I didn’t believe doctors knew what the surgeries they were throwing around all willy-nilly would do in 2o years. Back when I was younger I felt negatively about people who got those surgeries. It could have been more about the people who were getting the surgeries, but it spilled over to the surgeries themselves. They were bad. I wouldn’t get one. Never.
With me so far? Now you knew who I was before I started this journey. Now let me tell you about where I am now.
People say changing the way you eat is a lifestyle change. But, they don’t tell you what that means. They don’t tell you how to accomplish that. They don’t really help you. They just tell you. And, when you’re lost…you stay lost.
I’ve been on this journey so far a total of 2 months. I started out at 460 lbs, and I am 5’2 ½. And, I’ve agreed to have a gastric sleeve surgery. And, no it isn’t a cheat. It doesn’t make you eat right. It doesn’t make you do anything. What it does do is give you a guidance, and helps re-teach you how to eat. For this blog I’m going to set goals for myself with rewards. And, I’ll keep you undated with the journey. And, yes I am scared. I can’t honestly admit I’m going to have surgery, because I’m afraid I’ll have a panic attack. So you’re the first person I’ve trusted this with.
I think maybe I’m a little silly, but I’m not telling people what’s going on. I want to just bust out as the new me, and let them think whatever they’re going to think. I want my swan moment. I don’t want to deal with whatever biased issues they have. I have told my closest family, and closest friends.
In order to get the surgery I have to accomplish these things: Get my bmi down to 75. I have to have cardiac clearance, a psychiatric evaluation, pulmonary evaluation, a dietitian consultant, Upper GI, and letter from my doctor saying I need the surgery.
Once I get those done, I’ll see the doctor and we’ll schedule the big event. And then a whole month of nothing but liquids, yum.
Keep the faith, and go onward my Leading Ladies and Gents.