And, the final checkpoint…

A lot has happened in the last week. You’ll have to excuse me for being silent, but I’m here now. So I saw the dietitian, and it went really well. Much better than the first dietitian I saw who did nothing but shame me. Not just fat shame me, but everything about me. Even my sister who was there understood why I didn’t respond. Maybe some people respond to ‘tough love’ but I don’t. And, you can’t walk in and just assume that everyone you meet does. I rebel or it alerts my survival mechanisms and I get angry. Attacking me is not the way to get me to listen to what you have to say. But, this meeting didn’t go like that at all. She was friendly, she listened, and gave some good suggestions outside of the pamphlet. And, she even hugged me at the end and told me she was proud of me. That I was the first person that’s come to see her in the 6 months she’s been in this area that she’s proud of. It was really awesome that she also had bariatric surgery 20 years ago, so she’s been through it.

 

So some of the advice I got.

The day before the surgery I have to drink a strong laxative. She advised me to go to 711ce40d11cadec12ad54cec4a6b63a9Sonic get a route 44 limeade, buy the cherry flavored one, and then mix it together and drink it. She says that’s the best way to get the god awful medicine down.

 

Another suggestion was that after the surgery to get ice from sonic so I can have something to chew. The diet after surgery for 3 weeks is clear liquid + protein shakes.

 

I also had an appointment with my surgeon June 31st. I lost more weight, and I’m at 378 now. My final checkpoint was the dietitian, and Monday June 5th is the surgery. The 31st was a hard day for me. In the waiting room when I got there was one of my childhood nemeses. One of the girls who made fun of me, and made my life miserable by bullying me. One of the very same girls that hurt me so much by lying to the school counselor about how they were treating me. She wasn’t a good counselor because she blamed me the victim, and said it was all in my head. Even though I went home every day and cried. So that was how it started. Luckily the doctor gave me a script for my severe ptsd/white coat syndrome. But, I had to go to the hospital for pre-op. However they didn’t tell me that I needed assessment. Which means I got stuck by needles. A total of 7 times. Because, the first nurse was an idiot. The second just couldn’t get it. Also, when they called the ‘pick team’ they used the ultra sound after stabbed me with the needle. How does that make sense? Luckily my sister came with me and started getting someone who can do their job there. Needless to say I had a total breakdown. I cried, rocked back and forth and I really wanted to run away. I even said, “I don’t want to be at a hospital where the nurses can’t even get some blood.”

 

I know I’m a hard stick. My veins disappear when they take their finger off. But, they always want to go for my hands with is a no no. Patient rights mean that I have a right to say no to what nurses/hospital staff does to my body. You do too. Don’t let them dig with a needle. When you reach your stopping point stop them.

 

But, I stayed. I didn’t leave. And, finally we got someone who could get it done. Or at least mostly done. The veins she hit didn’t last long, and she ended up not getting the cbc. But, she worked it out that they can do that when I come in. But, most of this tests were for some stupid screening to find out if I have a blood clot. The blood test somehow said I was in the range at risk which means I had to have an Ultrasound on my legs. And, you know what they found…nothing. They took 8 vials of blood, and found nothing. I guess I should be grateful that they’re so thorough. But, it’s hard to feel that way when you’re covered in black, blue, and purple; freaking out about your surgery; freaking out about them not having any spots for the Iv, and no one bothered to tell you about the assessment that took seriously all day. We got to the surgeons at 11 and got home at 5 pm.

 

I’m ordering my purse today. And, I’m going to try and put some other goals/rewards on my page.

 

 

Keep the faith, and go onward my Leading Ladies and Gents.

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Why surgery? Why now?

In the very small group of people that know about my upcoming surgery, and the journey I’m on. Most of the circle of people in the know were told by other people. It’s not that I’m embarrassed to say that I’m having surgery. It’s that I don’t want to deal with other people’s hang ups. Or their preconceived judgements. Even when I was younger I thought poorly of people who got the surgeries. I never said anything because I was raised with manners. f55bf837ac35307181db48e690e4a9c8But, in my heart I judged and it was not kind. It might have had more to deal with the person who got the procedure. And my dislike for them bled over to the surgery.

 

However I’ve gotten a lot of people asking me if I’m sure that I want to have surgery, which leads to me defending a choice that I’ve made for myself. It’s ironic that over my life I’ve had a lot of people suggest surgery, and I’ve always fought tooth and nail against the idea of it. The difference here is no one is forcing me.

 

The Reasons Why Now…..And Go.

  1. With the current administration Medicare may not pay for the surgery. Paying for it out of pocket isn’t at all within the limited restraints. The new American healthcare act will limit the money Medicare is able to spend on patients. That very limited amount of money will go immediately to pay for my medications and my general doctor.
  2. While I am obese I am healthy-obese. Meaning at this time I don’t have diabetes, high blood pressure or cardiac issues. I do have rather serious issues, but those big hitters are high on the mortality rate. See I have all of those on both sides of my family. I was born pre-doomed with the genetic flaw.
  3. I want to travel. I want to be able to travel. Do things. I don’t want to just feel so trapped in my body.
  4. I want to watch my nieces, and nephews get married. Grow up. Make mistakes. Succeed. I want to be there for them, and with them for as long as I can. I don’t have children and they’re as close to mine as I can get.
  5. I want to publish my book.
  6. I want to feel confident when I go outside instead of waiting for someone to emotionally attack me.
  7. I want to wear cute cloths. I want to wear all the things I see, ogle over, and then flip past. I want to feel beautiful. And, when people look at me I don’t want it to be with such disgust that I hate going out of the house.

 

I have so many reasons to live. And I’ve almost died so many times that do I really want to squander my chance to live?

 

 

Keep the faith, and go onward my Leading Ladies and Gents.

Don’t take it lying down

All of my life I’ve been made fun of for my weight. And, I’ve always taken it. It has always hurt my feelings, and often reduced me to tears. High school and the last year of middle school were nightmares. I had this one guy who would sit behind me and poke me in the side. I was often bullied, and tortured. I spent a lot of time crying, and feeling like I was worthless. I never fought back, and when I would tell the psychiatrist at school she would tell me that I misunderstood or was wrong. Needless to say I have horrible self-esteem, and self-worth.3039dd36fa3c160445a8d794ae8c1421

 

Many doctors have talked to me about surgery. OR rather talked at me. No one would listen to my concerns or address them as anything valid. My weight was an issue and therefore nothing else about me mattered.

 

For the last couple of years I’ve had kids – mainly boys make fun of me. Pointing at me and laughing. I’ve had a little girl slap my stomach, laugh in my face and call me fat in the middle of a social gathering.

But, I’m not writing this blog to be emo or talk about all the people who wronged me or hurt me. I’m writing this blog to tell you about my journey.

 

But, recently there’s a change in me. All the things that I used to let those people do to me are still happening, but I’m not inclined to sit quietly and suffer. I don’t yell at them or berate them.

 

I’m not weak.

I’m not worthless.

I’m powerful.

 

And, yes it still hurts when I’m made fun of. But, I’m going to stop giving away my power and instead I’m taking it back. I stand up to myself against the rudeness and bullying. It’s shocking to me that even in these modern times that we blame the victim for calling bullies what they are. No matter if it’s a case of rudeness or straight out bullying it’s wrong.

 

I’ll admit one of the reasons I want to lose weight is because I’m tired of being made fun of. I’m tired of all the bratty little boys and catty little girls. I’m tired of the adult people who are so uncreative that the only insult they can hurl at me is about my weight. I want to be something else. I want it to stop. But, in the meantime I’m not going to let them get away with their cruelty. And, neither should you.d79ba1eddb2942ff7cb97450c9ad0a4a

 

Keep the faith, and go onward my Leading Ladies and Gents.

Going out is so hard to do!

 

Our family has a tradition, where on holidays or birthdays, the person in question gets to pick where we eat. And actually food is a big tradition is our family. We eat. We like to eat. 3e9662f35c4cef5c85bcc19c2226085eMy grandmother was a chef who had her own restaurant, and ran it successfully with her daughter. The cookbook is still sought after and coveted by locals. Between my Mom and Grandmother they taught me everything I know about cooking and food. Unfortunately the lessons weren’t about healthy living or eating healthy.

 

 

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Our food is somewhere between Paula Dean and Julia Childs.  It tastes so good, but it is so bad for you.

 

This Mother’s Day my mom picked one of my favorite restaurants where the specialty is fried catfish. Fortunately the healthiest food there was steamed catfish, and even eating healthy the meal was at least 600 calories. e2dcc11fc5f0163c35fc41146adc60b9But, I went prepared. Marvelously I didn’t blow my diet. How you ask? I’m going to pretend that you did. The answer is simple, I prepared.

 

I know I’ve brought this up before, but eating in public is stressful. At least for me, and I consider anytime I don’t totally blow my diet out of the water a success. And, by totally I mean like sinking the titanic.

 

So what do I mean by prepared? Well, first I looked up the menu online, and looked through it for the healthiest options. I called to find out if the catfish was fried in a vat or dry fried, because the difference is high in calories. And, that morning I only had a protein shake so I was low on calories, and after lunch at dinner I only had another shake. Needless to go me!b65d461de11bb0b2c184efe8670110a8

 

Keep the faith, and go onward my Leading Ladies and Gents.